I am tempted to say this sounds like an April Fool’s joke that got lost in the mail:
An accused enemy combatant held at Guantanamo Bay told a military hearing he was physically as well as mentally tortured there by having to read a newsletter full of ‘crap,’ being forced to use unscented deodorant and shampoo and having to play sports with a ball that would not bounce.
Yeeeaaaahhhhh, right. OK, assuming this isn’t somebody’s idea of a joke, may I say to this prisoner that having to read a newsletter full of “crap” is what we in the United States call being a newspaper subscriber. I’ve been putting up with torture from the Washington Post for years. Suck it up, bud.
Unscented deodorant and shampoo? Torture? No, no, no… you misunderstand. It’s called hypo-allergenic. That’s not torture, that’s for your protection! (Wouldn’t want you to get a rash or anything. The Red Cross would just be in a real tizzy if that happened.)
As for balls that don’t bounce, well we can handle that easily enough by taking the balls completely out of the picture. No problem at all.
I certainly hope no one’s going to take this seriously, even if it turns out to be true.